1. Notes: 2 / 9 months ago  from dagarabedian
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    dagarabedian:

    because it’s family day

    ——

    They say that drunkenness doesn’t alter, it only amplifies. Given my knack for archiving and documenting every little thing about my life when I’m sober, it stands to reason that I’d do the same when I’m drunk, only worse. And yeah, twelve-plus drinks in, this seemed like a good idea at the time. Waking up to find it on my phone the following day left me a little embarrassed, considering the fact that I hadn’t warned my friend that I was recording anything, nor did I even recall that I was doing so after the first few minutes of the nearly-ten-minute runtime of the recording.

    There’s a reason I’m posting this, and I’d like to think it’s a good one. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself I’ll admit that, given the proper context, there are some genuinely moving moments in this recording. That being said, I’ve made a decision not to make those moments public, because - who’d have thunk it? - I respect the privacy of the recording. This was a conversation between two people that only exists because I was drunk and recognized the importance of the moment. And despite how happy it makes me to have the clarity of the recording to remind me of the night through sober recollection, I can’t quite justify making certain portions of the conversation public without consent. That in and of itself is an achievement for me, I think; I rarely put the welfare of others - including myself - ahead of something I feel is worthy of sharing.

    This was a big moment for me, and for my friendship with the person on the other end of the conversation. He was the only one, the only one - period - that got it. And I mean, really, really got it. He acted like he didn’t get it, he’ll act like he doesn’t get it now, but he got it, and he proved it to me that night. He’s a far more insightful person than I’d ever give him credit for, even though I’ve known him for over a decade. 

    If my decision to start drinking again was the equivalent of me throwing my hands in the air in defeat, he was the only one - not my family, not the rest of my friends - who told me not to give up. It took us nearly fifteen drinks a piece to communicate it - up until about this point in the night we were still playing cat-and-mouse, as is our way - but in the end, something had to be said. And I give him more credit than I have to give for being the one to say it. 

    If I’m being totally and absolutely honest with myself, then there’s no other way to put it: he gave me hope. His little song-and-dance that night humbled me. There was no room for despair. There was only an idea:

    “You and I both know who and what you are. If you need to be this person, you can be, but we both know that you can be better than this if you choose to.”

    And for the first time in many, many years, it finally, really did feel like a choice. I can choose to be what I need to be, but I can also choose to be better than that. I’m not living a life where I’m stuck being one thing or being something else anymore. I’m not making lifestyle choices in a vain attempt to be a better man - I’m making choices on how to be better at each individual opportunity.

    Maybe I’m weak right now, but I can choose to be better when I need to be. I have a choice. And that’s liberating. I’ve never felt like I had a choice before; I always just thought I was or I wasn’t, and that’s the way I had to deal with things.

    There’s a quiet vindication in the affirmation of others. And maybe I can do the same for you.

    You have a choice. You can choose to be better. It’s that simple.

    Don’t let external circumstances change who you are or alter your convictions. If you were a nice guy that felt he needed to be overly assertive to get ahead, or a romantic that grew jaded and lost faith, or anybody who has ever felt like they were leaving behind a part of themselves for something different…

    Stop and think. Maybe you need that change right now, and maybe that might even seem like a step backwards. I say fuck it: take the step backwards. Take two steps backwards. Do what you have to do.

    Just don’t ever, ever forget: you can choose to be better. You have a fucking choice.

    to stop a boat from going forward, you put it in reverse

    ——

    i love you, buddy. just don’t tell anyone, okay?

    d.a. garabedian

    this is why i have the best group of childhood friends in the world. i’m sorry - they’re better than yours, don’t even try to compare.

  2. Notes

    1. bonmorrison reblogged this from dagarabedian and added:
      world. i’m sorry
    2. dagarabedian posted this
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i post songs that mean a lot to me, talk about hockey and post photos from things that i think are cute. juxtaposition.
 
 

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